Trying out social media

I bought an actual working smartphone, so I’m starting to ACTUALLY live up to my label as “generation: social media”! I don’t know how it’s gonna work out, we’ll see!

So now I’m on Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and Instagram. Okay.. I actually were using most of these things before, but not actively!

But anyway. Thought I could just as well make a post out of it, because all this technology and social media is really a big deal, right?

I get it. I spend hours and hours online every day. Chatting with people through Facebook and Skype, wandering through Instagram and Twitter, desperately watching stories on Snapchat. Why? Because it’s a way to keep myself entertained and I guess that’s what we all just try to do.

I’m not going to say whether this is bad or not, but it’s definitely affecting me and I guess it’s only going to affect me more now that I’m able to be using all these things all the time.

It’s not like I get anxious whenever I’ve spend a couple of hours without any connection. I don’t feel relieved either. I’ve never really thought about trying to sign off for a day or two (maybe I should. I don’t know if I’m even interested in trying). I know for a fact that I’m not the most addicted to all of this, but I’m not cold to the effects either.

It’s weird. I grew up in this world of technology, but when I was a kid it was only starting to get popular. Now it’s everywhere. My 8 year old Nephew has an iPhone. An old one, but an iPhone. I guess I was 12 or 13 when I got my first phone. A Nokia-something.

Actually I kinda hate writing about stuff like this. It makes me feel old. Am I supposed to feel that way at my age? Probably not. 21 is not that old. It’s not old at all.

Who am I?

I know it isn’t that long ago I started this blog. Actually it’s still new and I’m still getting used to all this.

But anyway:

Since I started this blog I’ve started to know myself better. Maybe it’s because I’m finally doing something with some of my thoughts. I guess most people reflect better when they actually talk or write about how they’re feeling and I’m absolutely no exception.

I’m still in a point in my life where I have absolutely no idea who I am. I don’t know what I need to do to find out, but I guess I’m not in a rush to do so. I feel fine, but I don’t feel complete. I need to find that hidden part of me, that I have to get in touch with. I need to learn how to reach it.

I feel like I’m always acting. I’ve written something like this before.

It’s not that it exhausts me (not all the time anyway) and it’s really not because I don’t want to be myself. I just don’t know how I even do that.

I’m usually honest when people ask about my opinion. When people ask me what my favourite movie is I give them an honest answer. I’m a terrible liar, so there’s not really any point in trying to fake who I am.

But even though I’m honest, I don’t feel real. It’s like there’s something missing. Probably that hidden part I talked about just before.

Where is it? Do I even want to find it?

Invisibility

Some people in this world will never fit in. It’s not necessarily bad to be unable to hide in between the masses of people who look alike, but it makes things more difficult. It makes you noticed even when you don’t want to. It makes it impossible to hide.

I don’t know if that’s true. I just imagine it must feel like that. I’m always scared of being noticed when I don’t want to, but then I remember that I don’t really stand out when I walk down the street. I find it easy to hide in public here. All you have to do is wear a dark jacket and black jeans, and then avoid eye contact whenever you pass someone you don’t know.

It’s not really a problem for me. I always avoid eye contact and I’m an expert in seeming too busy to talk. At least I like to think I am.

Okay, I admit it. When I have those days where I don’t want to talk to people, I really don’t even want to say hallo to anyone on my way. Then when people do say hallo to me I always start swearing internally.

I am grateful that I look like anyone else. But I’m also grateful that I have the ability not to when I want to stand out. It’s a bit harder now, because I’m not the only one of my female friends with short hair anymore, but then I dyed it black. Now I can stand a bit out if I decide to style my hair and that’s awesome.

So why would I want to seem invisible? Because I’m afraid of attention. Not of people, but just the attention. It puts this pressure on me I can’t really handle.

And it’s weird. In school I loved doing presentations. I loved playing concerts and I loved standing in the spotlight on a stage (I’d still love it, but it’s not something I do often.. Actually I kinda never do it). But that’s something different.

I love the thought of people being able to read this, but I would never show it to anyone I know.

Sometimes I write poetry or draw and I want people to see it. But I don’t want people to know that it’s me.

I guess this all comes down to this feeling I always have. I am never me. Not truly. I’m not sure why and I’m not sure how I get to be me.

Back in school I learned that being real to people was a certain way to avoid drama. I still avoid drama, but I don’t think I’m real with people anymore. I don’t feel like I am.

I feel like I’m acting all the time and while that is awesome on stage, it feels terrible when I’m supposed to be… well.. me.

So that’s why I love my ability to stay invisible. It removes the pressure of having to be real. Although it also makes me feel like a stranger to myself.