Nice to meet you. I’m so sorry that we treat you so bad.
Sometimes I blame you for all kinds of stuff. Allergies, city doves, dust. But then I realize that it’s actually okay that you throw shit at me and everybody else. Because we treat you like you’re worth absolutely nothing.
And do you know the worst of it all? Some people deny that we have anything to do with it. They don’t want to use even a minute of their day to think about what we all could do to at least try saving you. Or just make you feel better.
I want to make you feel better.
But I say that as I’m sitting inside a heated house, using my computer with the radio on. The lights are on as well. I’m a hypocrite.
Sometimes I have absolutely nothing on my mind. I have so many feelings inside and so many things I want to talk about, but somehow I manage to have days where I feel absolutely none of it.
Today is one of those days. It’s not like I feel empty or sad or anything. I just don’t mind all the things that are usually affecting me. Most days I get frustrated when I watch the news. Both because of the things happening in the world, but also because our news cover just about everything in a terrible way. But today I can just watch it and shrug. Everything is exactly as shitty as it always is, so why should I care?
Sometimes I lose hope in the world. I don’t think things will ever get better, but all we can do is try, right? It feels so strange thinking that way, but that’s what I do when I’m having these kind of days.
I need you to grow. I need your people to heal.
I’m sick and tired of all this hate and neglect everywhere.
We’re ruining this world. Ruining something we should be praising. Claiming earth that never belonged to us and destroying it while we try to keep everyone else away.
We’re ruining each other as well. Demographics fighting. Demographics trying to push each other down into the soil we so desperately want to be ours.
Why do we feel like we have the right to say “this is our land” about anywhere. Why are nations so strictly divided by borders and borders strictly controlled by people who are just told what to do?
I don’t think we can end war, no. And I think we’ve already destroyed the Earth too much to be able to save anything. We can’t even save ourselves, can we?
But I dream of a future, where everything isn’t about “what’s ours and what’s theirs”.
Isn’t it strange? The concept of now?
Does it really exist? Because I am not sure it does. At least I have no idea what it actually is.
I’ve never understood the full meaning of the word, I guess. And I think it might be because in Danish we translate the expression “to live the moment” to something directly translated as “living in the now” and it usually makes me frown whenever I think about it.
When we say “now” the actuality of the word has already passed as soon as the word has left our mouth. I know it’s stupid to overthink a word this much, but I can’t help it. Now is just as relative as when we say “just a moment”, because you can never get to define when it is before it’s too late.
Every word you say is a word you’ve thought about until you said it. Maybe we don’t think about it, maybe we’ll even argue that we speak before we think, but I guess we all know it’s not technically true. This means that every time we say something about the present, it’s actually a tiny bit delayed. But isn’t that enough to disturb the meaning of now?
We see something. It’s definitely happening now, but we also know that we don’t see things in the same frequency as they’re happening. It’s not even a questions of seconds delay, but there’s a delay disturbing the meaning of now.
Because when something’s happening now it has to be happening in that exact moment. At least that’s how I think about it.
Or it’s how I think about it when I do this thing where I can’t fall asleep because I’m overthinking. That’s exactly what I’m doing right now as I’m writing this, which may seem weird since I’m scheduling this post. Then I’m definitely screwing with the now.
I could complain about our seasons for years. Really. Now it’s spring so I don’t want to hide under a blanket anymore.
I mean… It’s quite cozy and I like sitting all rolled up in the blanket, drinking hot chocolate and looking at a fireplace. But that’s a winter thing. Now I just want to sit out in the sun.
And the weather has even been amazing. The sun had been shining and now when flowers are starting to bloom it’s just so pretty outside. But it’s still terribly cold so I don’t want to be outside.
So today I told my dad that I’d rather sit inside because then the weather seemed even better. I could see how good it was, but not feel how cold it also was. Or is.. It’s actually still quite good, but not as good as it was in the morning.
I’ve also been cold every day when I’ve woken up. This morning my iPad was close to my bed, so I could reach it and start up Netflix without having to get out of bed. Problem is that at some point I got hungry and then I had to get up. It took a couple of hours before I felt up for actually doing anything and then I just gave up.
So I guess I’ll just keep watching Netflix for the rest of the day. Not that it’s really a thing to complain about.
There’s nothing particularly bad about this thursday. Other than it’s a thursday.
I hate Thursdays. And I know I’m not the only one because it was an acquaintance of mine who made me realize that it was just thursday in general which was shitty.
The only thing thursday’s got is that it isn’t friday. Seriously. I mean.. I’m unemployed; it doesn’t really matter if it’s friday or not, but it still sucks when it isn’t.
And that’s the thing about thursday isn’t it? In high school the worst mornings were the one where I would get to school and sigh “thank God it’s friday!” and then my friends would look at me like I had just told my pet died.
And then we would all cry together until the end of the day.
The only hobby I’ve had that took plays at thursday was football (or soccer). I liked it back then, hate that I liked it now. I could have used all those thursdays doing something awesome instead. Like… I could have learned to draw on those thursdays. I could have learned my dog tricks.
Okay. I probably wouldn’t have used the time on something cool and it’s not really fair to hate thursday just because I once played football. Fair.
But in school we always had the worst subjects. Maybe they were just moderately bad, but then because it was the day that wasn’t friday it was really the absolute worst.
This is how a week at school goes:
- Monday: HIT I HAD TO GET UP EARLY… Well it’s all right. We have the weekend to talk about so we can keep entertained.
- Tuesday: Ooh… Claire and Louise wasn’t at school yesterday.. Were they still hungover? (Catching up on the rest of weekend gossip)
- Wednesday: Okay! We made it! Mid-week! WE CAN DO THIS!
- Thursday: “Oh thank God it’s-NOOOOOOOOOOOO”
- Friday: Cheers!
At least that was how high school went. I don’t remember school before that other than it being shitty and I’m quite sure we always had maths and german on thursday. In high school we didn’t follow the same schedule every week.
Okay, so this was two days in a row with weird entries.
But I really fucking hate thursdays.
Today I’m having one of those days where I really don’t want to do anything. It’s actually quite okay. The problem is that I’m spending all my time not doing anything because I still haven’t found a job and I suck at looking (well, obviously since I haven’t found one yet).
But today I’m okay with doing nothing. So that’s what you’re reading about right now:
Me doing nothing. Me killing time even though I actually don’t want to kill it right now.
Yesterday, sure. Yesterday the hours were terribly long and I couldn’t find a way to entertain myself. Played a bit of piano, built a house in The Sims 4, tried to see if I could still remember how to play the guitar (I couldn’t).
But today the hours just flies even though I haven’t really done anything else than cleaning the kitchen and watched a few episodes of Supernatural, just to have a chance at keeping up (I’m terribly behind in every show I’m watching).
Maybe I should blog about tv shows at some point. Or music.
This was a weird entry, but I thought I should write something anyway. Habits can be great and I hope to make this a habit.