FYI

Sometimes the world around me is crumbling. Of course it’s not actually crumbling, but it feels that way.

I start crying without really knowing why, because the pressure of something I don’t know what is gets too high. My heart beats with guilt, and my body feels weak of fatigue. Even when I don’t have anything to feel guilty about, and on days where I have no reason to feel fatigued.

I know part of the problem is, that I don’t exercise enough. Actually it might be the absolute biggest part of it. I’m lazy and even though I like taking a walk I rarely do so because I find it difficult to get out. It’s really just a matter of putting on a jacket and going outside, but it feels like I have to climb a mountain to do so. I know it will be better when it gets warmer. I hate being cold, so that’s also a factor right now.

It was easier back when I had a dog. Then I would go out and play with her (living in the countryside we rarely needed to walk her as she got plenty of exercise running around in our garden and in the fields).

I have to visit my sister more. She has a dog I can walk.

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Spirituality

I often wonder what spirituality actually means. Because for me it doesn’t necessarily have to be related to religion. I don’t know if that’s a wrong interpretation of the word, but words can be relative, can’t they?

I’ve stated before a couple of days ago that I am not religious. And I’m not. But sometimes I do feel spiritual. Or maybe it’s just inspiration i feel running through me.

And then I wonder if you can say that it’s the same. Of course spirituality can mean something completely different for other people than me, I’m aware of that. I’m aware that spirituality is something so deep and sacred to some people that I’ll probably never get the grasp of what it means to them. But for me?

I don’t know.

But isn’t there something otherworldly about the feeling when inspiration just strikes you and makes you feel like you can conquer the world? Sometimes it just hits me out of the blue, other times I can feel it coming. And I react differently every time.

Once I just sat in my couch at stared at the wall while minutes passed. I don’t even remember if I thought about anything in specific, but I felt great. Like some sort of creative energy was flowing through me even though I didn’t do anything.

Other times I’ve been instantly inspired to play something on my piano or my saxophone. I’m not a great composer, so it hasn’t always been good, but it has felt good. Felt amazing actually.

I want to say that the two can be compared, but all I can conclude is that for me they can.

3… 2.. 1.

Now.

Isn’t it strange? The concept of now?

Does it really exist? Because I am not sure it does. At least I have no idea what it actually is.

I’ve never understood the full meaning of the word, I guess. And I think it might be because in Danish we translate the expression “to live the moment” to something directly translated as “living in the now” and it usually makes me frown whenever I think about it.

When we say “now” the actuality of the word has already passed as soon as the word has left our mouth. I know it’s stupid to overthink a word this much, but I can’t help it. Now is just as relative as when we say “just a moment”, because you can never get to define when it is before it’s too late.

Every word you say is a word you’ve thought about until you said it. Maybe we don’t think about it, maybe we’ll even argue that we speak before we think, but I guess we all know it’s not technically true. This means that every time we say something about the present, it’s actually a tiny bit delayed. But isn’t that enough to disturb the meaning of now?

We see something. It’s definitely happening now, but we also know that we don’t see things in the same frequency as they’re happening. It’s not even a questions of seconds delay, but there’s a delay disturbing the meaning of now.

Because when something’s happening now it has to be happening in that exact moment. At least that’s how I think about it.

Or it’s how I think about it when I do this thing where I can’t fall asleep because I’m overthinking. That’s exactly what I’m doing right now as I’m writing this, which may seem weird since I’m scheduling this post. Then I’m definitely screwing with the now.

What is religion?

I wanted to write about religion, because it is something I care about.

I am not religious myself. I’m not calling myself an atheist or an agnostic or whatever other labels usable for non-religious people. I don’t like to label my lack of religious belief.

So why do I even care, right? Because I’m tired.

I’ve never fully understood why it’s so important for some non-religious people to “prove” that there isn’t any God out there and honestly I get a little angry when I hear people say that it’s wrong to be religious. I’m probably never going to understand why people can be like that. But I’m probably never going to understand what having strong faith in something I cannot see feels like. Amazing, I tend to think.

Technically I’ve grown up in a Christian society, but it’s not something that I’ve really noticed. Most of my friends don’t even go to church on holidays. I’ve never been to a wedding in a church, but I’ve been to funerals. For me this means, that I often get emotional if I visit a church. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but it is something I feel every time I set foot inside.

It’s not like I’m starting to cry, but I feel this icy ball in my chest and sometimes it gets overwhelming. I think it’s incredible and it always makes me think that there really is something about churches. I can’t say what it is.

I like to discuss religion with people who are religious. I love hearing different views on religious ways and I find the belief in something superior inspiring. I really get how much poetry is influence by religion.

Unfortunately I can’t say that I know much about different kinds non-western religion and it makes me feel so ridiculously uncultured. We’ve had studied on religion in school, but I don’t think it gives even nearly as much knowledge as actually talking to people. So maybe I should just do that more.

I have a dream of traveling around seeking out to learn more about religion. Not just different kinds of religion, but maybe a greater understanding of the world around us and what spirituality actually is. I want to know.

Maybe I even want to be religious. I don’t know. I’m not sure it’s just something one can do. I’m comfortable with not being religious in any way, but I do feel empty in side.

But religion shouldn’t just be someting to fill an empty space, should it?

I don’t like to think of it as something that simple anyway. And this is maybe why I’m so fascinated. Having faith is not just something you can say you have; it’s something you actually have and I admire that.

It inspires me.

Hopefully people will one day accept all kinds of spirituality.

Come on, spring!

So now we’re in the middle of march. Here it means that spring has begun and WOW how I’ve waited for that.

This winter has been the longest ever. I guess I say that every year, but it’s like it just went on and on this year. So why am I writing about it now?

Because we’ve finally had a couple of days of lovely weather! It hasn’t been raining, the sun has been shining (at least in the morning and up until mid-day). Finally it feels like we’re really heading toward summer and I can’t wait!

I really love summer. I love the heat (although it usually doesn’t get that warm and the weather usually sucks anyway), I love the excuse for eating ice-cream all the time, I love getting tanned!

I know.. July is still far away, but at least the few days of actual spring gives me hope.

Also.. Flowers are starting to grow everywhere.

March started with snow. Literally. It was snowing on the 1st and I was so pissed. Finally it was spring and it began to snow. We didn’t even have that much snow during the winter so why did it have to come in march? Come on, Weather!

But now it’s sunny. Birds are chirping and it’s almost time for Easter Holiday (not that it matters to me anyway, it’s not like it’s making a difference when I’m not working). Easter means a lot of great food though and I look forward to that!

Spring also means baby animals all over and that’s a huge plus as well!

What I’m trying to say is:

I really love summer and because of that I end up loving spring even more because when everything starts to bloom and the sun begins to warm up the earth it is a sign that summer will be happening yet again this year!

Those random thoughts

Today I was wondering why people are different. Not that the difference is a bad thing, absolutely not – it’s the best. I was just wondering.

Why do some people see profil where other people see health issues? Why can you ask several people a simple question and get differen answers from every single one of them?

Because we’re not machines. I know, but isn’t it strange?

I live close to a friend I’ve had since forever. We’ve grown up in the same area, gone to the same schools. We’ve seen the same movies and played the same games (well.. mostly just The Sims, but you get my point). But we are nothing alike. I’m into politics, she’s not. I did my best to avoid all kinds of natural sciences in high school, she was happy about taking advanced scientific courses.

I think it’s awesome though. Awesome, but weird.

I mean.. My logic tells me that people growing up together should be more alike, but I guess my logic is a bit off. It was never my strongest asset, I guess.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say.
Maybe I’m not trying to say anything at all.