There are many things that confuse me. And I don’t even think I know 1% of all the things I don’t understand. But most of these things are not something I’m reminded that I’m totally lost about every day.
Literally. Every day.
There’s a lot of reasons why I’m reminded of the big issue (is it even an issue?) of sexuality all the time. First of all I follow a lot of LGBTQ+ activists on basically every platform that I’m on. Besides that it’s a frequent topic in our mainstream media. Oh, and then there’s these sexualized commercials all the time as well. And sex is in general a pretty frequent topic, like, everywhere.
I really don’t have anything intelligent to say about sexuality, but I want to say something anyway and I’ll even share two short stories about my experiences with sexuality.
No, not those kind of stories.
The first time I ever had my sexuality questioned by someone (well, the first time I know of anyway…) it was actually a friend of mine. Not very close, but friend nonetheless. I’d shaven my hair off because I grew tired of it and she asked me the following:
“Not to be judgemental and not that it matters or anything, but.. just curious… Your.. sexuality? Straight? Lesbian?”
I wasn’t really offended, just a bit confused. I said something a long the lines of “No problem, I’m straight though.” (best comeback ever. I know)
Well, actually I didn’t really know because back then all I thought was “Since I’m a girl and I’m not into girls, I must be straight”.
I was always (and I mean it, always) tired of the topic of what feels like every conversation between friends always being about sex. Maybe not literally about sex, but close enough for me to feel a bit lost. Not uncomfortable, just a bit lost. Well, shit, I still am, but I don’t feel as weirded out anymore as I did before.
I think most people who have known me for a while would have this feeling of “oh, that explains it all” if they read this. I’m actually having that feeling even though I’m, you know, me.
Okay, maybe you guessed it. I’m not really into sex. A few times I’ve stated to people that yes, I identify as asexual. I’m not sure I do, actually, but I’ve felt relieved the few times I’ve said it out loud. Actually that leads to the story of the first time I said it out loud to someone.
It was this summer (2015) and I was drunk along with the rest of my friends. This means that I don’t exactly remember all the circumstances, but I remember the conversation. Well..
Don’t ask me why but for some reason a conversation about whether male- or female parts were the most gross (come on, genitalia is gross). Then people had to pick which they preferred and most actually picked the opposite sex (do I have to say that we were a bunch of heterosexuals?). I was more like “Neither, please.” Then a friend asked me: “Then what about sex?”
It was the greatest thing really. Never have I been so glad to be asked such a silly question. Okay, maybe the fact that I was drunk made it all seem more amazing, but I immediately responded “Dude, I’m a asexual.” He then took my hand and apologized, saying that he had no idea.
That was weird, I guess. But it felt really fucking good actually saying it. (Okay shit, if you’re reading along you probably know who you are. Sorry. – This is why I shouldn’t have a public blog).
It wasn’t until I’d said it out loud I actually began identifying as such. Again, I’m still not sure I do. I like to say that I’m straight, but not sexually active because it’s easier. I still do this thing actually, where I state that I’m not into girls if the topic of sexuality is brought up. And it’s true. I’m not into girls.
I’m just quite certain that I’m not into guys either. I don’t know.
I’ve heard people say something along the lines of “just wait till you find the right one.” I don’t like that phrase. I mean. What if I don’t want to?
What if I’m actually most comfortable not having to think about sex ever?
What if I’m not interested in finding the right one?
Oh shit. Are you supposed to come out as a person who doesn’t like sex?
And what if I some day end up actually wanting to have sex with someone? Am I straight again then?
Luckily I still have all the time in the world to figure it out.
I like that.