Some people in this world will never fit in. It’s not necessarily bad to be unable to hide in between the masses of people who look alike, but it makes things more difficult. It makes you noticed even when you don’t want to. It makes it impossible to hide.
I don’t know if that’s true. I just imagine it must feel like that. I’m always scared of being noticed when I don’t want to, but then I remember that I don’t really stand out when I walk down the street. I find it easy to hide in public here. All you have to do is wear a dark jacket and black jeans, and then avoid eye contact whenever you pass someone you don’t know.
It’s not really a problem for me. I always avoid eye contact and I’m an expert in seeming too busy to talk. At least I like to think I am.
Okay, I admit it. When I have those days where I don’t want to talk to people, I really don’t even want to say hallo to anyone on my way. Then when people do say hallo to me I always start swearing internally.
I am grateful that I look like anyone else. But I’m also grateful that I have the ability not to when I want to stand out. It’s a bit harder now, because I’m not the only one of my female friends with short hair anymore, but then I dyed it black. Now I can stand a bit out if I decide to style my hair and that’s awesome.
So why would I want to seem invisible? Because I’m afraid of attention. Not of people, but just the attention. It puts this pressure on me I can’t really handle.
And it’s weird. In school I loved doing presentations. I loved playing concerts and I loved standing in the spotlight on a stage (I’d still love it, but it’s not something I do often.. Actually I kinda never do it). But that’s something different.
I love the thought of people being able to read this, but I would never show it to anyone I know.
Sometimes I write poetry or draw and I want people to see it. But I don’t want people to know that it’s me.
I guess this all comes down to this feeling I always have. I am never me. Not truly. I’m not sure why and I’m not sure how I get to be me.
Back in school I learned that being real to people was a certain way to avoid drama. I still avoid drama, but I don’t think I’m real with people anymore. I don’t feel like I am.
I feel like I’m acting all the time and while that is awesome on stage, it feels terrible when I’m supposed to be… well.. me.
So that’s why I love my ability to stay invisible. It removes the pressure of having to be real. Although it also makes me feel like a stranger to myself.
