My break from posting is lasting longer than expected.

I’m in a bad place right now. Don’t get me wrong: I feel fine in my every day life. At least I feel as fine as I’m able to and that’s really all I’m asking.

The problem is that I’m pushing on to avoid not feeling fine. And every time I sit down and try to write something like an entry to a blog I can feel something shattering inside me. My eyes get teary and that big, dark hole I’m constantly on the run from is forming again.

I’ve got no reason to feel like this. And therefor I have to just keep avoiding it until it’s over.

What I’m saying is that I want to write blog posts again, but right now I can’t.

Blog break

All right! So because of all this musical thing and the new job and all I’ve decided that I need to take a break from blogging. It won’t be long, probably just a couple of days.

I like to keep the schedule with one post per day, but right now I can’t keep up with it, so I think it’ll be better to wait a couple of days and then see if I can get back to schedule!

Orchestra pit

I’ve been playing this musical for the last couple of days and I just arrived home after the Premier! (Well, this is a scheduled post, so it was yesterday when it’s posted).

I’ve mentioned it before in this blog, but I’ll say it again anyway. We’re doing High School Musical Live On Stage and it’s awesome! I’m in the orchestra playing the saxophone, but even though that doesn’t mean I get to be Sharpay and sing “Bob to the top” it’s perfect!

We’ve basically been chilling in the orchestra pit since friday and it’s absolutely the best. Or.. Chilling backstage is actually the best. We’ve been playing this game where you have to guess a scenario (mostly weird murders) by asking a ton of questions. Some of them make sense.. Most of them don’t. There’s one where Romeo and Juliet are dead and it turns out they’re fish in this scenario. Obviously we had to give up on that one.

The great thing about being in the orchestra is that when they in the speaker call “60 minutes” we can keep chilling, while actors and dancers have to start getting ready for the show. We have another 30 minutes to finish our game (and, today, our pizza as well) and then we’re even in great time to get settled and tuned.

We’re a small band this year and I really like the space we have in the pit. Last year we were 4 saxophones alone, this year there’s only me. Then there’s a trumpet and a flute as well. And of course a couple of violins and then the actual band. We could have a party in the pit with all the space we have.

It’s such a shame we’re already done wednesday.

Poem 2.0

(Same introduction used for my other poems Okay, so I sometimes write stuff down I guess would be categorized as poetry. Usually it’s in Danish though, but I thought I’d try to translate some of it and post it online. I figured this would be a good base for it. I’ve never had anyone look at anything I’ve written before, so I’m not saying this is quality poetry, I’m just saying that I wanted to post it.
I also figured that I wouldn’t add any context to any of it, simply to let my words stand alone, open for interpretation. None of my writings have titles.)

 

Strings of Violin
You break for me, explode

You talk to me
You scream

Scream for help

Strings of Violin
You sing for me, an ode

You talk to me
You sigh

Sigh of relief

Strings of Violin
I miss you

Your sound is eternal
But you disappear

Strings of Violin
You paint for me
You paint

An imagery of sound
You make me fly

Structure

So an introduction to this post is probably needed. Not because it’s a deep or intellectual post or anything, I’m not even able to write something like that. But because I’m not sure if this is a common thing or not. Actually it’s really just a post about me and how I feel about certain things. Well.. How I feel about systems and structure in general.

I like structure. I’m terrible at planning and scheduling, but when I’ve actually planned out my week I’m having a much better week than when I haven’t. Sometimes I even just wish I could hire someone to plan my weeks for me, just so I can get some structure into my life.

When I go to bed I have to know what the first thing I have to do in the morning is or else I get stressed out. I’m not good with impulsive ideas and usually I’ll even say no if anyone asks me if I’m up for something the same day as we’re supposed to do something. If I just know right before I go to bed it’s fine, but even if I’m asked if I want to grab a cup of coffee with someone in the morning I feel my pulse rising.

I can’t stand when a picture is tilted, I need tables and chairs to align to relax. But my room’s all messed up. My books are on a straight line, even in alphabetical order (well, that’s probably just because I recently re-ordered them to procrastinate). But my laundry is all around the floor. My table is filled with a combination of DVDs, books, pencils, paper blogs.. Loads of stuff.

But my computer is always super tidied up. I have a folder called “Mess”, but it’s really not messy. It’s just all the stuff I need to find a place for, divided in categories, as it’s a combination of images, old notes and random documents I’ve decided to save. The icons on my dock are divided by color and function. Same goes for my phone.

The most satisfying thing in the world for me is when I sit down with one of my coloring books (I’ve recently bought some amazing Mandala inspired ones). That’s where I can fill my need for structure, by using a pattern in what I color. It’s actually different patterns, but it’s always easy for me to recognize my strategy. Even if it’s been a few days between I’ve taken my time doing it.

But recently I’ve found out that just as much as I love patterns and structure, I really find something oddly satisfying in random movement. Someone sent me a gif of a beetle moving inside of a box and obviously its movement was very random. My friend, an evil being as she is (she’s a really good friend though), thought the gif would make me freak out. Even I thought I was going to freak out. But then this strange thing happened and I just felt absolutely satisfied.

It’s weird. Sometimes I can really feel my skin itching when something is out of order, but then these things happen to me and I realize that our mind is really way more than we give it credit for.

Change of music

In these days I’m part of the orchestra for a musical my local music school is doing. It’s awesome. I don’t really know anyone as I’m not part of the music school anymore, but it’s funny and they’re all kind and stuff!

It’s a version of High School Musical, so that’s just another point and I absolutely love it!

It’s the fifth time I’m doing this and this is the year with the smallest band! I like having a bigger orchestra around me, but now we have so much space in the orchestra pit that I won’t complain at all.

I’m playing the saxophone (alto to be specific). It’s my main instrument and also the instrument I’ve been playing every time I’ve been doing this. My first year I also had some parts on keys, but I actually prefer sticking to just the sax.

Music is an interest I’ve always had. I’ve been playing music since I could walk and I’ve been playing the saxophone since I was 12 (I think.. Maybe 11, maybe 13). I don’t play as much now as I did before, but it’s not because my interest is lacking. Lately I’ve been playing the piano a lot more and that means I’ve also been singing a lot more than I did earlier. I started singing again after discovering Arnór Dan. Well, actually I discovered Ólafur Arnalds and he’s made som tracks with Arnór that I really enjoy. I’d recommend his instrumental work as well though!

But there was something about Arnór’s voice that made me want to sing again. Not that I haven’t been singing at all. In high school I actually sang quite a lot, but not like this. I’ve been wanting to experiment and find out what my voice can do.

But I still have my saxophone and I still love holding it in my hands and I love playing it.

Trying out social media

I bought an actual working smartphone, so I’m starting to ACTUALLY live up to my label as “generation: social media”! I don’t know how it’s gonna work out, we’ll see!

So now I’m on Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and Instagram. Okay.. I actually were using most of these things before, but not actively!

But anyway. Thought I could just as well make a post out of it, because all this technology and social media is really a big deal, right?

I get it. I spend hours and hours online every day. Chatting with people through Facebook and Skype, wandering through Instagram and Twitter, desperately watching stories on Snapchat. Why? Because it’s a way to keep myself entertained and I guess that’s what we all just try to do.

I’m not going to say whether this is bad or not, but it’s definitely affecting me and I guess it’s only going to affect me more now that I’m able to be using all these things all the time.

It’s not like I get anxious whenever I’ve spend a couple of hours without any connection. I don’t feel relieved either. I’ve never really thought about trying to sign off for a day or two (maybe I should. I don’t know if I’m even interested in trying). I know for a fact that I’m not the most addicted to all of this, but I’m not cold to the effects either.

It’s weird. I grew up in this world of technology, but when I was a kid it was only starting to get popular. Now it’s everywhere. My 8 year old Nephew has an iPhone. An old one, but an iPhone. I guess I was 12 or 13 when I got my first phone. A Nokia-something.

Actually I kinda hate writing about stuff like this. It makes me feel old. Am I supposed to feel that way at my age? Probably not. 21 is not that old. It’s not old at all.